It’s 2014, which means musical act Usher is celebrating 20 YEARS in the music business! Can you believe that shit?! You’re old! Things were going so well for you up until now. You felt youthful and your life had promise. But then Usher had to go and be in the music biz for 20 years. Thanks Usher! Hope it was worth it.
"I don’t even knowwwwww LOL." - Usher
But Usher’s not the only one whose career turns 20 today. He is but one of many people you are about to hate for making you feel so fucking old. Here they are, the assholes:
You probably only know Justin Bieber from her stellar singing career. That’s because you’re just old and you don’t really know that much. You’re “out of touch” as kids are saying about you on their AOL chats. “She’s like so out of touch,” they say. “I know right? LOL!” That’s an AOL chat convo that kids have about you frequently. Anyway, Justin Bieber was an actor before she became a singer, and she got her start in the 1994 cult classic The Next Karate Kid. Cool hair, Biebs! Not! Man. Can ya Belieb it? LOL. You probably don’t even know the difference between AOL and LOL, you old shitbag.
Bieber’s not the only Karate Kid on this list! You thought you met Jaden Smith in 2010’s The Karate Kid reboot, or maybe if you’re REALLY old you remember him from 2006’s The Pursuit of Happyness. But you’re about to shit your diapers (you wear diapers now because of incontinence brought on by age). Jaden Smith actually got his start as the precocious Buckwheat in the 1994 adaptation of The Little Rascals. Man, he really grew into those dreads!
DAME JUDI DENCH
You THOUGHT you just met Dame Judi Dench in last year’s Philomena, where the vibrant young lady starred opposite the considerably older Steve Coogan. Dench lit up the screen, and all you could do was wish the smile she put on your face was made of your real teeth, and not ones you paid for at the dentist. “Is this the next Susan Sarandon?” you asked yourself, Susan Sarandon being the youngest actress you can name. But get ready to say “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up from shock at how fucking old I am!” That’s Dame Judi Dench as little Amy March, the littlest woman in the 1994 adaptation of Little Women!
No one cares about you anymore. Everything you have to say makes young, cool people roll their eyes and text their friends that they’re bored.
Seems like we only just met Santa last year in Fred Claus. But that movie was actually made in 2007! That alone should motivate you to write up your will and decide where you’d like your relatives to bury your useless wrinkled unsexy body. But did you know Santa Claus actually got his start in 1994’s Miracle on 34th Street? Yep, that’s him, in the role of “Santa Claus!”
You’ve wasted your entire life. There are no more possible milestones for you to achieve other than a quiet death.
Cast Away already feels like it came out forever ago. If I told you it came out in 1994, you’d probably say, “Eh?? What was that, young lad?” Then you’d hold up your stupid ear trumpet which looks way lame. But in fact, Cast Away came out in 2000. Fourteen fucking years ago. You still had a shot back then. Remember Wilson, the volleyball Tom Hanks befriends? He captured our hearts, and we thought that was his acting debut! Fact is, Wilson had been bumming around Hollywood for years before he got his big break. Like many actors, Wilson was forced to take less than desirable roles. With the landlord knocking at his door to collect the rent on his Van Nuys studio apartment, Wilson had no choice but to accept the role of “Volleyball” in the 1994 film, Girls of Topless Volleyball. A google search did not retrieve any clips, but IMDB describes the film thusly: “Four topless girls play volleyball and lounge in and around a swimming pool.” Lucky Wilson! He got to see eight boobs that day. You’ll probably never see boobs again. You could try to search for boobs on the Internet, but you don’t know how to use a computer.
Well, there you have it! I don’t know about you, but I feel old! LOL.