Brad Austin

Blog Ideas

I follow quite a few people on tumblr. Many of them really enjoy posting things on tumblr. I gather this because it seems as if they do nothing else in the daytime. Every time I check tumblr there is a new post from these people. It’s like they’re getting paid for their posts. But they’re definitely not. Does anyone get paid to post GIFs? Just as a side note, I am sad thinking about GIFs. I wish they weren’t things that I ever had to even consider. It’s annoying that they exist and people love them. So as I was saying, people love blogging. I love the idea of blogging but the reality of it - that you’re posting something that will be seen mostly by people who make GIFs - is disheartening. But I’m making myself do it.

I will force myself to post some writing on tumblr on the days I don’t have to go work somewhere. I think this will be beneficial to my work ethic and it will keep me writing, which is always better than not writing. But it’s going to be nearly impossible to do! I’m talking about three posts a week, at the most. To me, that’s almost too many. I guarantee I will almost never want to do this. 

I’m going to keep this one short because I’ve checked my brain and there’s nothing going on in there right now. I don’t have a story to tell. What I do have to offer is a list of ideas for potential future articles I will write. This will provide a well for me to return to on those days when I can’t think of anything to write about, like today. Here are my ideas. Let me know if any of them stand out to you as “must-writes.” 

• How should a 27-year-old man spend his birthday? Is it really that sad to go see two movies alone? My birthday is Thursday, might do this.
• A thorough examination of knots, and all the different kinds of knots.
• A treatise on GIFs, and why people who make them should be dead.
• A list of the 50 greatest car commercials ever made (I will describe the commercials. Don’t know how to get videos on here).
• 17 Friends of Mine Who Have Chronic Stomach Pains
• Crazy Mysteries of the Flesh
• Food Review: I review a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich I made.
• Drawing and Quartering as Punishment and Why We Should Stop it. 
• How America should tackle its Armadillo problem.
• 9 Dates I Went on That Ended in Sexual Intercourse That I Watched at Home on the Internet
• Fake Band Names Inspired by Clothing (e.g. The Leather Boyz, The Hats, etc.)
• Why the Rectangle is Simultaneously the Most Overrated and Underrated of the Shapes.
• How to “Get Cozy” ANYWHERE.
• Why “I Dream of Jeannie” Would Have Been a Better Show Had Jeannie Not Been a Genie
• What camel humps are REALLY for

That’s what I got. It’s gonna be a good summer, I can tell. 

LET’S GET ANGRY!

Yesterday at work, a coworker insulted my intelligence and embarrassed me in front of a number of customers. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but after I made some minor mistake, he said something truly mean and unnecessary. He was out of line. Later that day, I bore no ill will towards him. I was, however, angry at myself. I was angry about the way I chose to handle my initial anger, which was to not handle it at all. I said nothing back to him. I simply walked back to where I was, and stewed awhile in my anger. My fear of my own anger only inspired me to become angrier. It was never addressed, and now that person feels like it is okay to say things of that nature to my face in front of strangers. 

I don’t handle anger well. Anger makes me extremely uncomfortable. But it is a part of life and needs to be reckoned with on occasion. It is not a bad thing, anger. It can be good for you if dealt with properly. I’ve listed four techniques you can use next time you’re angry. Some of them are better than others. But I’d say all of them are better than the technique I’ve chosen, which is to write a blog post about it. 

FIGHT. Literally fight, with fists or any blunt object that happens to be close at hand. Even at this point in our civilization, there are people who, when insulted, will just hit the offender in the face. Perhaps they will first give a verbal retort, such as, “What the fuck did you just say?” The question is needless, however, as they know exactly what was said and how they are about to respond. The offender does not need to repeat what he said and in most cases would be too stunned by the tone of the question to do so. Probably the question is offered less as a question than as a warning to the offender that he is about to be struck. People who are inclined to react to their anger with violence before trying any number of alternate techniques are likely unstable, insecure creatures who believe that a well-barbed insult is on par with a well-barbed thing with barbs on it. You should neither insult those people nor compliment them. You shouldn’t talk to them. Don’t be where they are. If you’re in a room right now with someone who responds to anger with violence, get out of there! 

LEAVE. You can always just walk away when someone makes you angry. Just leave the room. Or, if you are outside, go inside. If you are in the desert, and the offender is the only non-sand entity that exists for miles, try burrowing into the sand at your feet until you are completely submerged. At the very least, this will be so difficult to do that you will forget why you are even doing it and doing it will look and feel so silly that you and the offender will laugh your way to a relationship of mutual admiration and respect. You’re going to want to get along if you’re ever going to get out of the goddamned desert. The upside of leaving the room when you’re angry is that you are able to get some distance from your anger and cool off and not have to look at the stupid face of the one who hurt your feelings. After all, the offender might have meant nothing by what he said, and your anger is happening for no good reason, triggered only by your hyper-sensitivity. On the downside, you are not exactly dealing with your anger, are you? You’re just swallowing it, pushing it way down into your being, where it can fester and swell up to the size of a balloon. Next thing you know, you’re calling your mother a whore on the phone for no reason. Is that what you want? 

LAUGH. Laughter is powerful. If someone cuts you down, laughing at what they said shows them that you haven’t really been cut down. This is especially satisfying when the offender is consciously trying to offend, because you’re immediately showing him he has failed. If anything, his barb has improved your day! You weren’t laughing before the remark, and now you are. Also, laughing gives you time to think of what you will do next. You can’t just stand there laughing all day. Eventually you will have to leave the room or hit him in the face or something. Perhaps the most effective use of your time while laughing is to think of a retort that will put the offender in his place. If he is a truly offensive offender, he might take your laughter as a cue to cut you even deeper. It’s important that you nip that in the bud and cut him down before he can say anything else. Is this a healthy way to go about your life? I think it can be. If you can summon a genuine laugh in a moment of anger, then that anger should be neutralized. The problem is that this isn’t always easy to do. Sometimes you’ll want to fight or cry instead, and laughter will be the furthest thing from your mind. But if you can manage it, laugh. Laughter is always a better option than fighting or crying. 

TALK. Now we’ve come to the technique that many say is the most effective way of handling anger: talking out your feelings. Yuck! Talking? Feelings? Those things are for women. Here’s the deal with talking out your feelings: it works like a charm, but only in certain situations. If your significant other never cleans up his or her half of the whatever, it will absolutely help you to talk with them about how that makes you feel. But when someone insults you, and I mean really says something clever and cutting and hurtful, the moment you open your mouth and start talking about your feelings, you are opening yourself up to more hurt. Here’s how it’ll play out. 

CARL: Brad, you look like dog doo-doo.

BRAD: You know, it really hurts my feelings when you say those things, Carl. 

CARL: Haha! How big of you to admit that. What a big girl you are!

EVERYONE ELSE IN ROOM: Hahahaha! Brad’s a girl! Brad’s a girl!

BRAD: I’m not a girl! I’m a boy! I’m a boyyyyy!!!!

So you see, it really is problematic to admit when you’ve been hurt. Yes, it takes guts. Yes, it is an effective way of dealing with anger. But it’s a risky move. If you’re the sensitive type, wearing your heart on your sleeve could result in getting your heart smashed. It might be better to just take a couple of deep breaths, count to ten, laugh as hard as you can, say something mean back, punch the person in the face, and get the hell out of the room. Whatever you decide, know that you are in complete control of how you respond to your anger. You can really make that moment work for you in a positive way. Put some of these ideas in practice this weekend. Get out there in the world and try to get angry. Wear a silly outfit that people will make fun of. Spend a lot of time with your parents and talk politics with them. Now that you have some new techniques to try, getting angry is a scream! Oh, I forgot the fifth technique.

SCREAM. Just yell, loudly. 

Conversation With Two Coworkers About Something Gross

JASMINE: Brad, do you eat ass?

BRAD: No. I don’t.

JASMINE: Would you eat ass? 

BRAD: It depends on the ass, I guess. And the girl whose ass it is.

JASMINE: Would you eat Rosie O’Donnel’s ass?

BRAD: No.

JASMINE: For $100,000?

BRAD: Yes.

JASMINE: Would you eat Bill Gates’ ass for $100,000?

BRAD: …Yes. I’m gonna say yeah, I think I would.

     (PRINCESS enters)

PRINCESS: After he took a shit?

BRAD: I dunno. Maybe. That’s a lot of money.

JASMINE: Princess, do you eat ass?

PRINCESS: No! But my husband does. 

JASMINE: Eww!

PRINCESS: From the front to the back. 

BRAD: Ugh. 

PRINCESS: He loves it. Only after I shower.

JASMINE: So you like that? You think that feels good?

PRINCESS: Not really. I’d prefer if he didn’t. 

BRAD: You don’t even like it? 

PRINCESS: No. 

BRAD: Wow, he must really like doing it, I guess, if he knows you don’t even like it.

PRINCESS: Yeah, he’s nasty. 

JASMINE: I think eating ass is disgusting.

BRAD: Jasmine, why are you thinking about it so much? Did someone do that to you?

JASMINE: No. But one time a guy put his finger in my ass. 

BRAD: How was that?

JASMINE: It was okay, I guess. Not that bad. But then he licked it!

PRINCESS: Ewww!

BRAD: Ewww!

          (Princess’s husband enters with their newborn baby in stroller)

ALL THREE: Hiiiiii!!!

Great Songs From Awful Albums

It happens all the time. You’ll buy an album (in the 90’s, anyway) by your favorite band, drive home from Best Buy while you blast it from your car stereo, and suddenly it hits you: “I’m not enjoying this very much. This is a shitty album.” But then you hear that one song, and it’s like, “Wait, what? Is this the same band? Why couldn’t they just do that the whole time?” I wish I had an answer for you. I know it’s frustrating. But those songs are still good, and they deserve recognition. Here are eleven of them.

Weezer - “Burndt Jam” from Maladroit

The decade that Weezer has just had, beginning in 2002 with Maladroit, appears to have been a total blast for Rivers Cuomo. He’s been writing songs about living the good life in Beverly Hills, and…who cares what else. I really stopped giving a shit after “Beverly Hills.” But I know that when I listen to a Weezer album that isn’t one of their first two, I feel like Rivers is screaming, “ISN’T THIS FUN?!” at me. And no, it isn’t. In fact, the only song I actually enjoy from Maladroit is one in which he sounds genuinely bummed out. “Burndt Jam” is almost more of an idea than a song, but it works. There’s nothing forced about it. It was a good idea. They should have more ideas like these and stop pretending to party. Because this party fucking blows. Hurley wasn’t terrible, though.

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - “Killing the Light” from Baby 81

When Black Rebel Motorcycle Club semi-drastically altered its dark garage sound for a dark folk sound on 2005’s Howl, it seemed like a no-brainer that the band’s next album would be another stop that captivating departure. But instead, they gave us Baby 81, an album that somehow lacked both the coolness of their first two albums and the strong songwriting of Howl. For me, the only song that’s worth a damn here is “Killing the Light.” It’s a nice homogenization of the band’s work up to that point, and you can’t help but wonder why they were unable to make an album’s worth of material as good as this song. I saw the singer sitting alone at a table outside a cafe in Los Angeles a couple years after this album came out. He looked sad, as if wondering how he could have made such a shitty album. I would have liked to have said something to him. But I just couldn’t do it. That’s what he gets for this album. The old cold shoulder from Bad Brad.

Travis - “Battleships” from The Boy With No Name

I know someone who has seen Travis live seven times. That’s a shitload of times to see any band. The most times I’ve seen a band is four. That band was Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. I am not hankering for a fifth. But I imagine Travis’s live show would grow especially tiresome during the course of one show, let alone seven. Many of their songs share the same, pleasant pop that can make a sunny day feel sunnier, but could also make it stay the exact same, and after the song you say, “Did I even just listen to a song?” This is what The Boy With No Name suffers from, mostly. It’s just blah. Not so with “Battleships,” however, a song that boasts one of the best vocal melodies singer Fran Healy ever laid to tape. You can tell the band knew it had a hit on its hands here. They were wrong and no one gave a shit. But still. Good song.  

Smashing Pumpkins - “I of the Mourning” from MACHINA/The Machines of God

It’s easy to forget that MACHINA features all four original members of (the) Smashing Pumpkins. Drummer and former heroin addict Jimmy Chamberlin was essentially brought back from the dead for this record by rock’s dirtiest bastard, Billy Corgan, and D’arcy had not yet gotten wise to the fact that this band sucks now and she’s better off going insane on a farm by herself somewhere. And James Iha, of course, was available. It’s sad that MACHINA is the product of this foursome’s last ride together. For my money, there are maybe three good songs here. “The Everlasting Gaze,” “Stand Inside Your Love,” and “I of the Mourning.” The latter stands out because it was not released as a single and yet remains a great pop song. My friend lamented that he thought it was dumb of Corgan to “waste such a badass title on a song about a radio.” But it’s not about a radio. It’s about Corgan’s infinite sadness, a life-long affliction that is relieved only by hearing the perfect song at the perfect time, which means when he’s alone, in an attic, with the stars. 

Tom Waits - “Make it Rain” from Real Gone

I remember when my friend Adam and I admitted to one another that Real Gone wasn’t as good an album as we wanted it to be. It doesn’t feel good to admit when your heroes take missteps, but sometimes you just need to look disappointment in the face. The beat-boxing that Waits experimented with on this album did not suit him, and songs such as “Sins of My Father” and “How’s it Gonna End” just dragged. But “Make it Rain” is classic, bluesy Waits. Over a simple, hard-hitting beat, Waits lets us know the song’s not going to be anything groundbreaking. “She took all my money/ and my best friend/ you know the story/ here it comes again.” We do know the story, but I’d rather hear this story a thousand times in a row than hear you beatbox one more time, you old rascal. 

…And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - “The Rest Will Follow” from Worlds Apart

I remember when I couldn’t go to a Trail of Dead concert because my grades were terrible. High school was rough, right? Thankfully my friend Frank went and got me an LP signed by everyone in the band, and they wrote me funny messages like, “Brad, fuck your parents!” and “Brad, study harder!” They were almost my favorite at that point. Source Tags and Codes had just come out and blown everyone’s heads off. Excitement levels were high as hell for Worlds Apart, easily one of the most disappointing albums - nay, one of the most disappointing things - to ever happen. I won’t go into it. It just stinks. “The Rest Will Follow” is its best song and still doesn’t compare to anything off Source Tags. Everything on this album is bad except “The Rest Will Follow” and Conrad Keely saying, “Hey, fuck you, maaaan” to the laughing children at the beginning of the title track. Man, I miss the days when these guys were great. 

Placebo - “Special K” from Black Market Music

Brian Molko’s voice is gross. It’s nasally and you just can’t picture him being a halfway decent person. He sounds like a spoiled rich 11-year-old. He should be writing songs about how his parents only bought him two ponies for his birthday when he specifically asked for three ponies. And yet, here he is, singing about drugs on “Special K,” a song that features perhaps his poppiest, most satisfying chorus. If it had been on Without You I’m Nothing, it would have made an already strong album that much stronger. But instead it comes from Black Market Music, which is just a huge bummer of an album that you shouldn’t even check out. But it does have this song. I really feel like this song would have been a hit had it not been for Molko’s voice. I just wanna throw up when I hear it. His lyrics don’t matter because all I hear when he sings is, “This is the worst birthday ever, father. Quiet, mother, I hate you! Father, I demand to know where is my third pony! I want him!” 

The Cranberries - “When You’re Gone” from To the Faithful Departed

If this list was a countdown, I’d have to put this entry at numero uno. I have always had a soft spot for the Cranberries, probably because I heard them a lot as a kid and my cousin Lisa liked them and she had a tattoo. I don’t know. I bought this album when I was maybe 14 and pretended to like it for a week. But I know now that it’s a genuine stinker. However, “When You’re Gone” remains one of the best Cranberries songs ever and just a great song in general. That “doo-bee-da” thing Dolores O’Riordian does throughout the song makes it feel kinda fun even though it’s sad. If you are actually missing someone who is gone, there is no better songto stare out a window to. 

Foo Fighters - “No Way Back” from In Your Honor

Oh boy. Foo Fighters, huh? The more I think about how I feel about this band, the more complicated my feelings become. I feel as though I want to defend them when people shit on them, and yet I shit on them when others talk about how awesome they are. They’re not awesome. I’d argue that their first three albums were great, but then, much like Weezer, they got into this groove (at least they’d call it a groove) of putting out album after mediocre album filled with songs that ranged from “Hey, that’s not bad” to “Oh is there actually music playing right now?” the worst offender being 2005’s ill-conceived double-disc, In Your Honor. Of its 20 songs, the only one that grabs me is “No Way Back.” Grohl sounds genuinely charged here, and the band is right there with him. But even the chorus on this song is a letdown after such a powerful verse. I have to let go of the Foo Fighters. They’re going to keep doing what they’re doing, and they’ll never record another “Generator.” Am I old? 

Pulp - “Babies” from His ‘N’ Hers

Often, you’ll hear an album by a band that’s already been around for a while and you’ll think, “Damn, this band’s great. I gotta go back and buy their earlier stuff.” Then you do, and guess what? Not as good! They really had not found themselves yet. You’re just hearing of them now for a good reason. This is what happened with me listening to Pulp. They’re an undeniably great band, and after hearing and loving Different Class, I was delighted to learn they had put out four albums before that! I was definitely going to love all of them. Then I bought His ‘N’ Hers, and decided I was definitely not going to get the other three. It’s not a disaster by any means, it just isn’t good. But the song “Babies” is fantastic from beginning to end. Especially the end. Stick around for the yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeahs. 

The Posies - “You Avoid Parties”

Does anyone know the Posies? Is anyone still reading this? Do you remember what this list was? It was about great songs that are on shitty albums. I feel bad saying an album is shitty. I mean, who am I? I’ve never recorded an album. If I did, you might say it was shitty. All I mean by shitty is that, I don’t like it. That’s all any music criticism is. It’s one guy saying, “No thanks,” to a particular album or song. You might have said no thanks to this entire post. That’s okay. But thanks for reading! I wrote this because I like music a lot and I actually care about all of these bands and I like them. I just wanted to say that in case you’re in one of these bands and I hurt your feelings. That said, Dear 23 by the Posies is a crappy album, and the song “You Avoid Parties” is really good. To take us out, here’s YouTube user Heathcliff67 covering the song with his new guitar. I have to warn you, this cover is even sadder than the original. Heathcliff gonna make you cry, but his satisfied smile at the end makes it worth the journey. Hope you have a great day. Take us to Tears Town, Heathcliff. 

DAVE GROHL VS. BRAD AUSTIN

Not bad, Dave Grohl. Not. Too. Bad. But if you really wanna write a song, a good song that people will keep in their hearts until their hearts no longer pump blood to their brains and they die, ya gotta get with the kid:

May the Wolves Not Eat Us Whole

I saw “The Grey” last night. It was pretty decent. There were a lot of wolves in it. The movie had so much to do with wolves that at one point Liam Neeson said, “Would you shut up about the wolves! I don’t want to hear anymore about the wolves!” But I had gone to the movie wanting to hear only of wolves and see only wolves. If there was a guy onscreen there had better also be a wolf about to eat him or be killed by him. I like the idea of wolves. 

I wrote a play in college called “May the Wolves Not Eat Us Whole.” It was not as pretentious as the title suggests. There was no titular line in the play. I thought of the title before I wrote the play. I just wanted to use it because it sounded badass. It had the word “wolves” in it. I wrote the play because one of the guys in the theater department had seen a play I wrote and wanted me to write one for him. I felt like a real hotshot. He wanted the play to take place at a party. I said okay. I went home and wrote a pretty bad play. It took a long time. I thought of that awesome title and just worked from there. It was about theatre kids who decide to have a huge party in a cabin up north to celebrate the end of their time in the theatre department. But little do they know, their cabin is surrounded by WOLVES! Yikes! One actor goes missing and the rest of them freak out and look for him and they’re afraid of wolves and stuff. They also learn that they’re afraid to graduate college. You see, the cabin represented their fun, cozy lives as theatre majors in college where they are successful. The outdoors, and the wolves in particular, represented their future. They were afraid to go out and live their lives. Okay? Do you understand? They were afraid of wolves and of their futures simultaneously. It’s called symbolism.

I emailed the guy the play and he didn’t wrote back. And after a while I called him about it and he said he hadn’t finished reading it or he needed to read it again or something. And that was the end of “May the Wolves Not Eat Us Whole.” I should have just had wolves eat all of the characters. I still wanted to use that title though, and that’s why it is the title of this blog post.