Sometimes entertainers will team up with each other to make a piece of entertainment. This happened a lot in 2013. Teaming up can be a really dumb mistake, as exemplified by the idiots in this list.
Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake
You know, I really liked “Suit and Tie” for the most part. It’s a nice little song. I love the “lemme show you a few things” part, and it made me forget I was listening to a song by a man I just don’t like. I just don’t get along with Timberlake’s face. Bothers me a lot. And the lyrics on this song are gross. But the hook is sweet. It’s a great song. Until Hov gets out his seat. Who the fuck invited this old, tired dipshit? Did we really need rapping on this song to make it a “hip” “jam”? These idiots teamed up again later in the summer for “Holy Grail,” the lead-off track from Jay’s exhausted, Samsung-sponsored turd of an album. The two of them teaming up to sing some of Kurt Cobain’s most famous lyrics wins the prize for the worst thing that two entertainers teamed up to do all year.
Kanye West and Justin Vernon
Even though Kanye West has surpassed Jay-Z in terms of popularity and artistic cred, he still has that little brother syndrome that makes him feel like he has to do some version of everything Jay-Z has done. Jay-Z settles down with Beyonce, Kanye grabs the nearest physical approximation of Beyonce he can find. Jay-Z has a daughter. Guess what? Kanye has a daughter. Sure, that sort of thing can’t be controlled. Not by non-celebrities, that is. You really think the technology to turn a male fetus into a female one doesn’t exist? Wake up. These people are rich. So yeah. Solid argument I just made. Justin Vernon (the Bon Iver guy who most people call “Bon Iver”) is Kanye West’s version of Justin Timberlake. They are the cool, arty alt version of Jay-Z and J.T. But it’s not working any better. I’m in the minority being a non-Yeezus fan. I respect the album as a powerful statement, but it sure isn’t much fun to listen to. And the songs with Vernon’s grating, needlessly high-pitched croon are the least fun for me. West needs a new white singing friend. I personally think he should give Ed Kowalczyk a shot.
Kim Kardashian and Riccardo Tisci
Riccardo Tisci, creative director of Givenchy, is Kim Kardashian’s go-to designer. This is a team-up made under the council of none other than Kanye West (West and Kardashian are dating), who hired Tisci to design the pretty cool cover of Watch the Throne. Tisci is clearly talented, and Kardashian is clearly beautiful. The two of them should have been able to knock this one out of the park. But no. Something went very wrong here. This fashion DON’T has its apologists (Kardashian and Tisci, for instance), but the rest of us know that Kardashian did not fill her end of the bargain on this fashion HAZARD. In order for us to let her be on television constantly, she needs to constantly look 100% beautiful. But this? The floral pattern, the sleeve length, the pregnancy? Wasn’t asking Kardashian to get pregnant for this dress going a bit far, Riccardo? Wasn’t it? Riccardo Tisci, you are out. You may leave the runway. Auf wiedersehen, Riccardo.
Nicolas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling
This was sad to see, as Refn and Gosling gave us one of the best team-ups of 2011. Drive was the shit. So who wasn’t excited for Only God Forgives, with it’s Drive-ish trailer? You had a scary Asian crime lord gently singing karaoke over scenes of brutal violence. You had Gosling going up to said crime lord and saying “You wanna fight?” as if he was asking him if he wants to get a sandwich. Man, what a letdown. Gosling seems drugged throughout this whole thing, as if Refn needed to slip him a mickey to get him to do it. Try to watch this movie. It’s on Netflix and it’s only 90 minutes. That’s an Adam Sandler movie. But it somehow feels longer than every post-Waterboy Sandler movie combined. Might as well have put Sandler in this role. Any idiot could have fisted his dead mom’s stomach wound or whatever happened in that scene. What the hell was that about? Jesus. What filth.
Robert DeNiro and Diane Keaton
Diane Keaton and Robert Deniro are screen legends. We’re talking about a member of the First Wives’ Club and the man who got analyzed in Analyze This AND That! How did these two gems of cinema ruin a potentially classic film like The Big Wedding? How? You had a nice, low-stakes Meet the Parents vibe, you had the same house from Something’s Gotta Give, and you just couldn’t bring it home. So what the FUCK went wrong? I’ll tell you what. They just didn’t care. They somehow felt this material was beneath them. Real professional, guys. This is what happens when a championship team plays a team they think they can beat in their sleep. THEY FALL ASLEEP. And they lose. Deniro and Keaton were like, “Who-pher Grace? Katherine Who'gl? What are we doing here? We're stars! Robin Williams who? Let's take a nap for this whole movie.” Nice work, idiots. Ya blew it. Coulda had an Oscar. Fuck you.
Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds
I’ll tell you something. Jeff Bridges was game for his role in R.I.P.D. He really got into it. Reynolds might have too, but who can tell with that guy? He’s always the same boring good-enough-looking shit head. Bridges deserved better than the bridge to nowhere that is Ryan Reynolds’s acting. Bridges could have had an Oscar nomination if he’d had a chance to have real chemistry with someone. Why not put Jeremy Renner in a role like that? Or DiCaprio. What about Denzel Washington? Where was Daniel Day-Lewis? You’re telling me you called Ryan Reynolds before you called Day-Lewis? Fuck you and fuck Ryan Reynolds.
Will Smith and Jaden Smith and M. Night Shyamalan
Pair up any two of these three guys and you have a disaster on your hands. But all three of them at once? That’s an apocalypse. Hence, After Earth. Will Smith used to seem so rad. What happened? He was funny and stuff. I wanted to hang out with him. Now he just seems weird and I want to punch his son. I want to grab M. Night Shyamalan by his stupid hair and smash his dumb head into Jaden Smith’s face while Will Smith watches while someone whips him in the face with his daughter’s hair, since she whips her hair so well or whatever. Seriously, what a shitty couple of kids. Jada Pinkett Smith sucks too. Woo was a piece of shit. Fuck this family.
Well thanks for reading! Great year! Love to all of you!